I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
