I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
