I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
