oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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