I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
