dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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