if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
