don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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