i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
