Banned from zoo.
Again?
you traded sex for a burrito?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
