He uses pillows to masturbate.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
that is very illegal...i love you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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