Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize