can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
