I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
