god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
