my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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