yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
