i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
