I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
