he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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