I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
