Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We're too hungover to prance.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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