Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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