Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
