recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I love you. Go after that dick
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
