why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
