So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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