some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
