I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
