he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
