I just threw up on my dentist
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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