The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The uberlube is also flammable
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
