She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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