There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
did you just send me my own nude
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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