just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
