Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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