She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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