I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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