Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
