The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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