this beer tastes like vomit already
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize