Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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