I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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