all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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