So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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