She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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