I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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