im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
