I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
