I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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