You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
