seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
