Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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