Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
