Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
