cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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