Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
