I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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