Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
