Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
