I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
