we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize