I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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